David Gauke uncorks little girls' nightmares

Written by James Millar on 18 December 2018 in Diary
Diary

Justice Secretary claims cabinet ministers have a responsibility to slaughter unicorns

On a day when Westminster went no-deal crazy Justice Secretary David Gauke managed to produce the most gruesome imagery with some colourful language at a crunch Cabinet meeting in Downing Street.

Gauke, who attracted the catchphrase 'uncork the Gauke' during his time at the Treasury where he was often deployed to defend unpopular measures, apparently told his fellow ministers that a no-deal Brexit is a "unicorn that needs to be slaughtered" and he added to colleagues' workload by telling them "the responsibility of cabinet ministers is not to propogate unicorns but to slay them."

Unicorns are a huge trend among children with unicorn branded knick-knacks flying off the shelves. The Poopsie Slime Surprise Unicorn has been dubbed the hottest toy for Christmas 2018. 

Gauke's intervention came at a Cabinet meeting that was reportedly heated as Brexiteers clashed with those less keen on leaving the EU. It's claimed up to 11 ministers made the case for a 'managed no-deal' exit from the EU. However others, including Chancellor Philip Hammond and Gauke, echoed the claims of experts who say no-deal cannot be managed and will lead to huge upheaval and economic damage. 

Cabinet agreed to spend £2billion on preparations for a no-deal Brexit including sending letters to every export business in the UK urging them to prepare. The government also revealed it will be rolling out a programme of public information about the consequences of leaving the EU without an agreement with Brussels. Although the government spokesman could not provide details of how the public will be made aware of any steps they ought to take even though Brexit is just 101 days away. The announcement has raised the possibility of the return of public information films like those featuring the Green Cross Code man and indecipherable talking cat Charlie

Defence secretary Gavin Williamson also got in on the no-deal action, telling parliament he had over 3000 troops on standby. He also revealed no department had actually asked the Ministry of Defence for help.

Today's developments followed Health secretary Matt Hancock's boast on the BBC last night that he was now the world's biggest buyer of fridges.

Brexit Secretary Stephen Barclay insisted that the government's priority is still to secure a deal with the EU and get the agreement signed off by Brussels and Theresa May last month through the Commons. 

The European Parliament's chief negotiatior Guy Verhofstadt accused Westminster politicians of 'glorifying' a no-deal outcome to negotiations.

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